#then there is the whole worm lady which i have no idea about the entity. controlling invertebrates

[tchaikovskym]

I cannot listen to the magnus archives as a normal person I have to read the wiki pages of episodes I already listened to and make notes and try to guess the entities and what they do and make a file out of it

[flufflecat]

rank the tma entities from favorite to least favorite! that's the first distracting thing I could think of <3

(ive been thinking very hard about my answer for like 3 days now fjkfdlsa thank you so much for this ask. also this is apparently going to be very long, so sorry about this yall)

ok so top to bottom, fav down to least fav:

CORRUPTION - i hate the corruption with my entire being, but i think its legally required to be my fav bc its My entity and i love bugs and fungi and such so very much. this dumb stupid entity just suits me in every possible way, and it makes me soooo mad. its currently stink bug season and ive already found like 4 of them in my house and befriended them. i would definitely be a corruption avatar in TMA and just spend my time terrorizing random people with stink bugs and being like "uhmm, i dont see what you think im doing wrong?? my bugs are just having a good time and i think these people just need to learn to see the benefits of having bugs around??? i think youre being really judgy right now, and need to let me chill" and also i would take jane prentiss out back and bury her in a flower pot because EW stay away from me maggot lady 🤢 (and stop pretending to be worms, youre MAGGOTS!! worms dont deserve this slander) ((dont talk to me about phylogeny and the definition of worm, i do not care. jane prentiss doesnt deserve to be compared to the kind pink creature we most commonly depict as Worm))

STRANGER - theyre the entity i WANT to be an avatar of. would be number 1 if i wasnt forced to pledge loyalty to the corruption. theyve got like the whole aesthetic down perfectly. clowns, taxidermy, weird and offputting creatures, just like a normal guy but you dont want him around, fish i guess, mannequins. its IDEAL. i want to be nikola's friend soooo badly. i think the clown apocalypse wouldve been pretty fun and jon shouldve just let it happen.

SPIRAL - they're every gay persons dream, and i dont even know why we all love them so much. their category feels so broad and im not quite sure what im supposed to be scared of here. why are people scared of fractals again?? literally no idea. im not afraid of them in the slightest, but also all of my dreams have a really spiral-esque aesthetic and all take place in giant labyrinths of hotels and amusement parks and malls and whatever. i wanna submit an application to join their cause because of how dedicated i am to labyrinths. @ the distortion, please call me

FLESH - i just think jared hopworth is really funny, and the flesh is so hilarious to me because it just feels like the working class of entities. entity thats most likely to work a blue collar job and just be a normal person you can go fishing with. entity voted somehow strangest and also most normal. why do they have a meat pit. they amuse me to no end. like alright, have fun with your meat or whatever. im having a great time.

SLAUGHTER - idk why theyre so high up on the list, but idk i think i just love some good violence. the war aesthetic bores me, but they make up for it with their dedication to knives and stabbing. entity that is easiest to make a playlist for because you just have to pick edgy songs from early 2010s amvs. Grifters Bone was actually just playing "I Can't Decide" by the Scissor Sisters.

END - death is just like kinda fun tbh. simple, straightforward, down to earth kinda entity. people really liked connecting unus annus to the end so they instantly rise in the ranking for me. i would invite an end avatar to my house to bake a pie, which i cant really say is true for any other entity.

VAST - used to be higher on the list, but one of my ex-friends really liked them so now im legally required to form a grudge. their aesthetic is great and every vast avatar just seems like theyre having a genuinely good time! being their avatar would probably be the best option out of all of them, since all you have to do is throw some people off a building every now and then, and you can spend the rest of the time just flying around the upper atmosphere or chilling in the ocean. literally nothing about them scares me. the vast emptiness of unexplored depths/heights? thats cool as hell, and i would LOVE to be stuck at the bottom of the ocean. im obsessed with how large the universe is and how small we are. unfathomably large creatures? give me more!!! whales arent big enough, and i think the vast is right to want creatures so large that you cant even perceive them. i was so disappointed as a child when i found out that dinosaurs werent like 100 stories tall. if a shark the size of mount everest showed up at my house, that would be the greatest day of my life. anyway they would be number 4 but theyre 7 now because that friend ruined them. get rekt.

EYE - tbh i dont have much to say about the eye. theyre just sorta there for me. they get points bc the aesthetic is impeccable and everyone draws dope art, and also i own SO much eye themed clothing, but like. idk. theyre watching, i guess. sure, whatever. bonus points for ben meredith though.

HUNT - im surprised i dont like them more, but to me they just feel like a less edgy version of the slaughter. theyre slaughter's slightly more boring younger sibling. none of their avatars seem like theyre having a fun time, and they just dont seem like people i could get along with. like come onnnnn give it up for a bit and focus less on your stupid job, just go camping without making it about some lame Quest or something UGH. extra credit for having werewolves though, i do love werewolves.

BURIED - every time i take a "what entity are you" quiz it gives me the buried, so i have unfortunately developed a vendetta against them. just bc i like dirt doesnt make me a buried avatar!! i have nothing against them specifically, but they just arent Me. 2nd most down to earth avatar after the end (haha thats ironic ha ha), and i could definitely see myself easily being friends with their avatars bc they all seem like pretty normal people, but eh. just not my fav. they should be, but theyre not. sorry, buried

WEB - now i do love a good edgy manipulative character, but i just dont like the web. they seem soooooo self-aggrandizing and im like GEEEEZ can you chill for a second??? i know youre maaaasters of manipulation, but join the club, i can do that too. they have probably the most solid aesthetic out of the entities, with the puppet and spider thing being super cool, but they just dont do enough with it. every time the web does anything i just wanna roll my eyes and find someone less pompous to monologue at me

DESOLATION - i love fire. i love fire, and burning things, and arson, and you guys let me down. youre a cult and not even a fun one!! get over yourselves and just learn to have a good time!! way too obsessed with their pseudo-religious imagery. they need to take a page out of the vast's book and learn to just have a good time

LONELY - eh, they just dont appeal to me. feels like too genuine of a "fear" to be something i could enjoy. im not like afraid of loneliness, it just annoys and depresses me to experience. and i dont want to be stuck around someone who builds their entire brand on not having friends. go to therapy.

DARK - they take the cult thing that the desolation is so obsessed with, and then do an even worse job at it. was ANYONE in the dark having a good time, ever? you all could be so edgy, yet here you are just being downright depressing to interact with. get some hobbies.

EXTINCTION - i dont like them and they are impossible to make a playlist for. number stations are cool though.

CORRUPTION - theyre on here again. i hate you, corruption. stupid horrible worm maggot loser entity. does nothing useful and is terrible at everything. are any of OUR avatars having a good time? No, theyre not!! i dont wanna be stuck with these maggot idiots!! the big plan for world domination was "worm door"???? dear lord. im so ashamed to be involved with them.

[fermented-writers-block]

PART 2 of 6 of the Owl Deity Hooty Theory: More Than Meets The Eye

[PREVIOUS PART] [NEXT PART]

[OWL DEITY HOOTY THEORY MASTERPOST] (in development)

(TLDR at bottom)

Throughout the show, I’ve found that the Owl House has been somewhat of an unnoticed enigma for a good deal of the fandom. It’s a subtle detail that’s easy to miss, but if one looks closely at each part of the house and particularly at a few visual design and art choices, it becomes readily apparent that rather than having been built from the ground up wholesale by Eda, it likely had originated as a dilapidated shell of a former building that she had repaired and grafted pieces of other buildings onto to form the Owl House we know today.

To start, from the exterior alone, we can see four other architectural styles attached to the central building - labeled as 1 - making up the house.

2 is essentially the exterior shed as seen in I Was a Teenage Abomination, and at other angles throughout the show like in my image for 4 and 5, is clearly off center on the side of the Owl House’s wall and doesn’t look like an original part of 1. Meanwhile, though we’ve yet to concretely get a good look inside of it, 3 appears to come from a tower different from the one behind the house due to it having the most grafted-on-to-the-house appearance, different circumference, slightly smaller windows in comparison, and more distinctly greyer coloration.

For 4 and 5, the former is actually the least incongruous with the rest of the house given how chimney brick styles tend to differ from the rest of the building, though both it and 5 - which is the bathroom from Witches Before Wizards - are noticeable with how they and Eda’s room balcony interfere with the base structure’s almost symmetrical exterior design.

In fact, with the makeshift balcony in Eda’s room, several shots reveal just how much of a contrast there is between the building section it comes from and the Owl House’s architecture, particularly between the the gray tower brickwork vs the white house walls as well as the way it awkwardly fills up the “door” to the balcony with a short brick wall rather than a clear and flush path outside.

All in all, these various parts differ significantly in wall style and flooring when compared to the center structure 1, and yet are very much in theme with Eda being a gleeful collector and scavenger of items others consider trash, but with that said, there’s a few more interesting details that seem to point towards even the Owl House’s owl theme not being of Eda’s design.

For starters, my friend @elementalist-kdj pointed out to me last year a painting in the living room that depicts a tower similar in appearance to the one behind the house but not the exact same one as my friend Oak Leak Knight points out below:

For reference from Steven Sugar’s storyboards that depict the painting and house towers:

There’s a few other differences like the painting tower having that whole gate vs the empty divot and mysterious stairs the tower behind the house has, but regardless, the fact of the matter is that both are -or were in the house tower’s case- implied to have the same slitted eye glass window. A window that appears to have been repurposed for the Owl House itself for Eda’s bedroom, which is interesting considering how much it makes the front façade of the house challenges the owl motif she has and has kept since childhood.

To clarify what I mean, the “HOOT” graffiti from Hexside in Something Ventured, Someone Framed and the dresser handles in the curser reveal flashback in Agony of a Witch demonstrate how Eda’s owl motif precedes both the curse and the moniker of “the Owl Lady” she gained from it. Paired alongside other examples of her use of said motif in the present day, we can see how it follows a general, clearly defined two-eyed owl design through and through no matter what coloring it takes on, one similar in appearance to that of a barn owl.

However, all throughout the house, we can see an also very clearly defined ONE-eyed owl motif, whether it be in various pieces of furniture, the balcony door frame in Eda’s room, and the front façade of the house - which most likely looked relatively close to how it is today when she found the structure, as she probably just repaired the façade with minimal changes and replaced a probable missing/damaged slitted eye window with the one from the tower we know.

And with one particular instance, we have a much greater idea of just what kind of owl motif the original structure seems to be based around through the living room ceiling mural. From it, we can gather that it has a diamond-shaped star on its belly, long phoenix-esque tail feathers, prominently clawed feet, a crown of some sorts, and seems to be a literally horned owl rather than merely having feather tufts like actual horned owls.

In fact, when one looks at the setup of the living room minus the furniture, rug, and decorations, the tied up wall length curtains in the corners and the candles everywhere give off an oddly...reverent feeling towards the ceiling-wide mural. Almost as though the living room used to be some sort of altar or ritual room dedicated to the owl entity the mural depicts, and almost like the base structure Eda probably turned into the Owl House might have been part of a larger temple dedicated to it - especially given the unexplained doorway in her room for the makeshift balcony that looks particularly stylized after this mysterious one-eyed owl entity and like it is meant to lead into a no longer present hallway or such.

Like an attentive reader might have picked up at this point, it is this strangely implicit reverence towards said entity and the lack of concrete information on what exactly it IS for which I decided to title this theory of mine. There’s not enough to say if it was some kind of godly being in of itself, but there is enough to suggest that it may have been exalted like a god, hence the use of “Deity” as according to the word’s third definition of ‘a person or thing revered as a god or goddess.’

With that said, as I’ll expand upon in Part 3 next, while I can’t definitively argue that it’s some god-like being, there is the interesting little detail about how the overall design of a play on a one-eyed horned owl and its ear tufts extend to a particular set of interdimensional artifacts AND the blueprints - almost as though this entity and especially its slitted eye plays a key role in making them function the way they do…

TLDR: The mismatched variation in architectural styles across its segments and the borrowing of the stained glass eye window from the tower behind the house suggests that Eda had discovered its central structure in ruins years ago and then turned them into what we know now as the Owl House. From this, the altar-like setup of the living room with its ceiling-wide mural seems to indicate that prior to its deterioration and Eda’s refurbishments, it used to be some sort of temple or building of reverence dedicated to what I call “the Owl Deity,” and going by the Owl Deity’s design, it appears to be integral in some manner to both the titular structure and the central artifact of the whole show. Tune in next time in Part 3 for how I think this unusual entity may turn out to be connected to our favorite little bird worm!

[joskippy]

!!! ARCHIVIST MARTIN HEADCANONS PLS !!!

OHOHOH FELLA YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH HCS I HAVE FOR THIS AU

Literally all of this is going under a read more because I have this entire au mapped out in detail but basically I find the idea of Archivist!Martin very interesting because it's just changing one detail of the entire podcast and it completely alters the story.

(Under the read more is basically my entire idea for this au from season one to season four)

What happens in this au is that Elias hires and appoints Martin as head archivist because of the fact he was already deeply alligned with the lonely and was a interests of the webs. He lacked any real connection outside of the archives and was already of interest of two entities, he's basically a perfect candidate to become archivist. Tim, Sasha, and especially Jon are hesitant to be working under someone who they don't know and hold a slight grudge against Martin at the start for being obviously unqualifed for his job. Tim and Sasha, of course, immediately become more understanding when finding out about Martin's cv and just assuming he got unlucky and winded up with the role as the head archivist. Jon, on the other hand, still doesn't know about Martin's cv and continues holding the grudge against Martin.

Which leads us to season 1

In season one, Jon's opinion on Martin is "Oh lord this man I don't know is obviously unqualifed for his job and the role of archivist should've gone to my friend Sasha. I don't like this man but he is my boss so I will keep my mouth shut." Jon though, is still very passive agressive to Martin but is less of an ass to him in this au. Martin is very open about his opinion on statements and believes alot of them but similar to jon, will only record the ones that he knows have to be real. I still think Martin get's trapped in his flat by prentiss in this au, wanting to get more info for the case but not wanting to inconvenience any of his co-workers. While trapped in his flat, Jon takes over for him and records statements for Martin (Not in a "I want to impress my boss" matter but more of an "I'll show this twerp how it's really done") and realizes how much of toll it takes on him and how difficult the job is. When Martin comes back from his little worm adventure, Jon is much more nicer and understanding of him. Martin records what happened with him and prentiss and Jon offers him to stay in the little room he made for when he overstays at work. (Martin of course, is not happy with the fact Jon stays past work hours finishing up stuff but that doesnt matter). Y'know how the rest of s1 goes with the prentiss attack (Jon and Martin still share the heart to heart, Jon loses him and Tim in the tunnels) Jon finds Gertrude's body and it sparks his paranoia finding out she was shot to death and then we get to

Season 2

Jon's immediate assumption is that Martin killed Gertrude to get his job because like, he still doesn't know Martin well and then finds out this dude's predecessor got murdered so of course mr jon sims is going to go "oh so Martin for SURE murdered this lady." For the first half of the season, Jon pretends to be buddy buddy with Martin to see if anything's off with him and somewhere along the line Jon finds the noted Martin was writing to his mom in the trash and immediately assumes its about the murder. He catches Martin in his office and immediately corners Martin like "HEY I KNOW YOU KILLED GERTRUDE AND I GOT THE PROOF" and Martin just sighs and tells him about his cv and mother and Jon's opinion of Martin goes from "incompetent murderer who killed his predecessor to get his job and might kill me." to "highschool drop out whos just trying to make a living might end up being murdered too". With the not-sasha stuff it's sorta the same but Martin let's Jon in on some details of his suspicions on her. Martin get's framed for Jurgen's death and NOW WE ARE AT

Season 3

So since Martin obviously doesn't have a place to hide it at the start of season 3 so Jon offers him to stay at his place. Jon knows that Martin didn't kill Jurgen and is willing to take the risk of giving Martin a  place to stay. Martin, of course, is hesitant but takes the offer because he's been crushing on Jon for the past forever and definitely will take his chances in staying in hot guy's flat. You know the shenanigans of s3 (Martin get's burned by Jude, kidnapped by Daisy, kipdnapped by Nikola) and FINALLY get's back into the archives to apologize to Jon for being gone from the flat for so long and apologizes again cause he's about to go off to america. Martin get's kidnapped again, comes back to london, and now it's time to stop an apocalypse! ( Before the unknowing happens, Jon and Martin share a heart to heart and confess that they both share feelings for another and get together the day before 118 happens then shit goes DOWN ). Martin of course, goes off to the unknowing and Jon stays behind at the archives to distract Elias. Elias tries and fails to use Jon's feelings for Martin against him, then switches to what happened with Georgie and the dead women walking incidents against him, pinning it on him because of his connection with the web. Martin stops the unknowing, Jon comes home to the empty apartment and gets the news that Martin is in a coma. (He immediately blames it on himself) and now it's time for

Season 4

Jon losing Martin right after realizing that they both love each other absolutely tears him apart. He moves flats and he begins to separate himself from the rest of the archives and works with peter. Martin wakes up from his coma without anyone by his side and is told the news to him about his mom right the day after. S4 basically goes the same with Martin seeing Jon again finally after the coma and goes to hug him and tell him how much he missed him but Jon just stares at him like he saw a ghost and leaves without saying a word to him. Alot of their interactions are sparse, usually with Martin trying to spark a convo with Jon resulting in usually no response or just a head shake as he scutters off.  Then Martin finally is able to actually talk to Jon and tells him that he misses him and that maybe they could catch up sometime but Jon just laughs and tells him that hes busy. Martin later on finds out about how to cut off the connection with the eye and goes to tell Jon that they could leave the archives but Jon tells him that he can't and tells Martin he doesn't want to see him anymore and kicks Martin out his office. You know what happens in 158 and 159, it's basically the same and Jon and Martin settle down at the safehouse.

I don't have much for season 5 but I really like the idea that Martin is still optimistic even after the change and that he reassures Jon that he's gonna find a way to fix it when it reality he has no clue and it terrified to think about what is going to happpen to them. They don't stay in the cabin that long soon after since Martin is very eager to go to the pannopticon and ya! Yknow how it goes.

Im so sorry I wrote a whole essay worth of shit but this au means alot to me and i get very excited when people ask me about it!!

[maxdemianfangirl]

So...Lilith

So I did not think my responses would be reblogged by @veiledlight-blog and @ohmourningstar but I want to continue the discussion on Lilith which isn’t a reblog chain but instead a full post.

So, why not use Lilith in your practice?

Because you’re not Jewish. Lilith is Jewish. You are not. Judaism is a closed practice for a reason. You aren’t supposed to use the stuff there if you aren’t Jewish. Maybe I have to explain why it’s closed.

Anti-semitism is a big issue. It’s everywhere all around the globe. Closed practices are closed to keep the practice how it is without being colonized, and Judaism is no exception. The Jewish people are often discriminated against. I could go on a full rant on how.

My Sunday school classmates have found nazi symbols spray painted onto walls near their homes. My Jewish friends have been made fun of for being Jewish. I’ve personally been threatened with violence and possible death for being Jewish. It’s caused a long issue with my self identity and my religious beliefs which I still struggle with now. I have often not wanted to be Jewish because I felt so ashamed and bad about it. I didn’t want a Bat Mitzvah in case others found out because I knew telling my friends might bring up a side of them I had no clue about or letting others who would also harm me know about my Judaism. It worsened my mental health which was already not good. And guess what? I was a kid. Not even thirteen when this all happened. No kid should go through that. No kid should hate who they are and what they believe because of others and their hate.

Judaism at its root is meant to protect its people from those who want to harm those who practice it. The whole book of Exodus was about escaping the Pharaoh who enslaved us and finding a new home. We have countless stories about it (the Prague Golem is an amazing one). We have the Holocaust. We’ve been taught by the world to keep closed to ourselves. Its figures like Lilith are not for those who are not Jewish. 

Now, Lilith has become so popular because her whole concept has been changed from what it once was. Lilith was a high figure, not to be messed with and a literal demon who could and would harm babies and their mothers. Now she’s all succubus queen empowering women. While I am very happy that women, especially young witches, can feel empowered, there’s many, many ladies in other pantheons who are more appropriate for goyim (those who are not Jewish). Honestly, if i were a non-Jewish witch I would love Eve and even as a Jewish witch I still love her. Like your free will? Thank her. Stay away from the lady who was written to eat babies. 

Also, young witches are also a big problem when it comes to this. You're naive. Hell I’m still young I’m definitely still naive. But I’m learning. You should be too, learning what you shouldn’t use in your practice because it’s appropriation. 

And I mentioned before in my responses that some people have deities and entities come to them, not the other way around. I’ve dealt with this situation with another involving Lilith as said deity/entity before. Let’s have a hypothetical situation. You see Loki in your dreams. You’re not a Norse Pagan. He talks to you. When you wake up you feel this connection between you and him. You research. You find out about Norse Paganism and since you feel so connected to one of its deities, you study more of it and eventually become a Norse Pagan. People can get involved in certain religions or practices because of such experiences. Why can’t the same be done with Liltih and Judaism?

Now, Norse Paganism is an open practice. With closed ones it’s different, especially with African and Native American practices. But I say the underlying concepts and ideas still apply in concerns to Judaism. You’re free to join us. If you actually really feel connected to her, then I bet you 9/10 you’ll feel connected to Judaism and its concepts as well and end up converting. It’s a long process and yes, it’ll require a lot of work. But if you really want it you’ll do it. Getting into studying magic in itself is a massive undertaking. If you want it, you can do it. And if you want to become Jewish you can do it if you really want it.

I know many young witches who want to work with Lilith will say “but I’m too young I can’t convert!” Well guess what? If you really want it you can sit down and wait and when you’re 18 you can convert. Study Judaism in the meanwhile. Help out your local Jewish community. Be an ally to us. We’ll greatly appreciate it and it’ll help with the conversion. If it’s too much of a hassle to wait, hopefully you’ll learn you made a mistake as your young naive self and have more wisdom for your practice, because we all make mistakes and we all should learn from them. And definitely still stand with us as an ally against anti-semitism! And if you still work with and worship her after all that without the conversion, then you’re just an approperiating asshole. Why she would want to work with you is beyond me. Even being “against anti-semitism” is a futile effort because clearly no you’re not. 

Also, please do not work with Lilith while you’re converting. Wait till after. You made it so far doing it all right only to ruin it by doing that. Plus by doing so you’re honestly just showing 1) you only converted for Lilith 2) you don’t actually respect the rest of Judaism and 3) Honestly you’re just an asshole trying to cover your tracks.

For any witches who do fully convert or those thinking on it: you can still be a witch and do pagan things as a Jew! Look at me. Look at my mom. Look at @will-o-the-witch. Nobody will judge you for it (you’ll find we’re a very open-minded and accepting community). Even rabbis will be open to it and might give you resources! So don’t be scared. We’ll welcome you.

One big thing, don’t just do nothing when you are officially Jewish. Attend services at a synagogue. Help out at your local JCC. Celebrate the holidays. Don’t just turn Jewish because some kid on Tumblr told you to if you wanted to work with Lilith. If you’re just going to ignore all of it when it’s done, then why even bother? It makes you another asshole just covering their tracks. If this is what you’re gonna do, don’t do it.

Also, please note my whole ramble on conversion is meant for people who genuinely feel a powerful connection to Lilith which should extend to the whole of Judaism. Don’t convert or even consider it if you’re only vaguely interested in her and the religion. Research is fine but active practice is a whole new bucket of worms. You’ll waste your time and everyone else’s time with a conversion if you’re not fully involved and into it. Attend or watch (with the pandemic and that) a service or two and see how you think of it. Research research research as well and decide after you’ve done the two. It’ll likely be a no at the end if you are not genuinely interested. Or you may end up genuinely interested in Judaism by doing those things. Just always make sure you’re 100% confident in your choice for this if you’re going to actually convert. It’s a big move and not one to be taken lightly. 

So, TLDR for the whole conversion thing: you either end up realizing your mistake and growing as a person and witch, you reveal yourself as a true asshole, or you end up in a community you’re happy in. Think hard and long. Question your interest and connections. Don’t not get involved in Jewish things if you do convert.

I didn’t expect this to end up mostly about conversion at the end but oh well. I hope this helps or provides some insight. For any questions please just dm or send me an ask. Any anti-semitism or hate will be ignored because I don’t have time for your shit.

[oxbowreality]

star trek star trek (for the fandom thing)

test my dashboard osmosis abilities: send me an ask about a fandom i know nothing about and i will summarize it as best i can

Alright I actually watched a handful of TOS episodes so this won't be entirely based on osmosis. ...wait, Netflix says I binged the whole first season and am 7 episodes into the second. Well! I'll skip TOS and tell you about the other ones.

I know that uhh.... I don't know the names of the other ones? Deep Space Nine is like, the one with Bashir who is pretty and kinda sad and autistic and might be genetically modified??? Which the Federation doesn't allow??? And then there's the sleazy salesman with the ears who everyone hates not because he's sleazy but because they hate knowing he fucks. Then there's a spy who people think might be in love with Bashir. I have no idea who's in charge of DS9, people were too busy blogging about Bashir.

Somewhere along the line there's a worm inhabiting a woman and her name is Ja... Jadiza? Jazida? Forgive me. But she's trans worm and we love her??? Seems chill. No clue which series she's in. I think it's DS9.

No clue what Picard's ship was called, but he sure is pestered by some weird entity named Q! Q has too many powers and is kinda gay. There are other people on that ship like Data and Geordie(?) who are very cute together. Geordi(e) is blind but has a cool-looking assistive device. Data is our son but is also very capable and should be respected as a person. We love Data. Data writes poetry about his cat, Spot. No one on the ship understands Data like we, the audience, do. Probably because so many of you are neurodivergent.

Then there's Disco (inferno), which is short for Discovery and there's this human lady named Michael who's Spock's sister and I really like her hair. Also freckles girl seems nice. There's a gay doctor? With a boyfriend who might be undead.

So that's Star Trek, as gleaned from my dashboard.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Suspiria remake review from a shitty movie-goer

(this review is posted too late so excuse me for some timing inaccuracies I couldn’t be arsed to edit)

(IF YOU HATE TL;DRS JUST SKIP AHEAD TO THE “THE REVIEW” PART. YOU’RE WELCOME)

I actually hate to admit why was I interested to watch this movie in the end, but for once SOMETHING motivated me to go to a movie after countless tries from my family to get me to watch something in theatres at a “reasonable time” (daytime is what they mean, this movie was at 8pm our time, and this is when the cross-city bus transport (it goes from one big city to another) stops doing their service lmao).

I myself have a lowkey interest in moviemaking (I’m already getting there by editing my phone-recorded videos because whatever). I come up with my concepts in my head and I am mostly willing to put them down somewhere in my computer so I don’t forget it years later if I want to make that concept a thing in the end (because none of my concepts are finalized... well except for one short horror-ish story I posted on DeviantArt (see mom, I do like some horror stuff!). Reddit as of lately inspired me to edit some of my movie’s plot-lines based on irl events (not related with anything too SJW), and I’m not sure how an usual movie-goer would see this concept but I am going to try to execute it... whenever I have enough equipment to shoot my own little films or skits or whatever.

What’s that? There are people who scrolled past this and already yell at me that “YOU ONLY WENT TO SEE THIS MOVIE BECAUSE OF THE MAN WHO COMPOSED THE SOUNDTRACK~~~”? Ugh yes you exposed me, tea all over. I even had “Street Spirit (Fade Out)” on a bit of a repeat as of lately (how fucking come I wasn’t too couragerous to listen to this song before?? And “Pyramid Song”??? Man am I discovering their pearl(ie)s(*) too late). And I’m occasionally on the band’s subreddit as well. And the man himself is touring ‘round the USA, signing material of fans and have genuinely warm chats with them. Admireable.

But that’s only half truth.

I never thought I’d see Suspiria on cinema theatres in here. Until one time when I saw an ad on a completely random Lithuanian website that said this movie is coming to our theatres 14 December... I couldn’t quite believe my eyes. I made my goal to see Suspiria since then. I even dared to ask a couple of my new college ‘friends’ to see it with me, but one of them fell off the deal when I revealed that I’ll be going to see it on Saturday, and on the weekends he’s usually at home, far away from the city the college is in (he lives in college dormitory on mostly the work-weekdays). So my only movie companion ended up to be this 28-year-old coursemate (actually we both study different things but sometimes we attend some of the same lectures) who was intrigued by the Suspiria trailer herself so at least I’m gonna have her by my side of the movie, so I thought. Sweet.

I already envisioned seeing this in a mall cinema theatre but my companion offered me a cheaper alternative - her suggested cinema theatre was actually in renovation so the business is temporarily happening inside an actual drama theatre’s long theatre hall. I had to wait long until the ticket box opened and because of that I was lowkey frustrated as I finished my English test writing a little earlier, so I spent my time walking around the city until the time came and I wandered off to the old building of the cinema so then I remembered it was moved and I found the moved place. Yeah I bought the tickets before my companion could but I’ll skip ahead to the time that I almost lost the tickets because they were put down on a windowsill outside some children activity centre (Suspiria and children?? lol). I came back home late at night and was ready for the movie to happen the next day. Oh and before buying the tickets I coincidentally saw dance classes going on nearby that building... weird, as Suspiria has dance elements in there

The day came (December 15) and my family went together with me because they saw this as an opportunity to see the Christmas tree of our city (but not the movie). Needless to say, they were still visibly pissed at me orchestrating this idea, as I planned everything BUT the transport to go by. Well at least my mom and my sis. Dad was cool with it as he returned home to watch Home Alone. Aside all that, the cinema hall was cozy, Christmassy, not too small, there were a few trailers before the movie, no snack-seller places (as this is not a mall lol) - my companion was glad she wasn't at the mall as she found this place where we were at way lovelier.

Now with all that unnecessary long intro off my chest, let’s begin:

THE REVIEW

(definitely not spoiler-free, if you are sensitive to spoilers please watch the movie for yourselves before reading my review. But if you like being spoiled, I’m your friend then I guess lmao)

The intro to the movie felt like I ended up booking a wrong movie - I didn't expect that to be set somewhere in Germany, especially an American/Italian-shot one. Was that a thing in the original Suspiria? I don't know... (apparently it is, but the cities are different, never the country though)

Patricia (I didn’t know it was Chloë Grace’s role until reading the Wiki) looked like to be a really big deal here, with the dance pupils discussing her disappearance the other day and Susie overheard them, then Sara mentioned the Patricia thing to Susie after Susie revealed she was kind of chosen as the lead dancer for the Volk play... is it because Patricia was THE saviour that unfortunately knew a little too much?? Idk, it’s perhaps the reason we get to see the Klemperer guy subplot happen (I didn’t know it was Tilda Swinton behind him all the time either, must be because the way the male German accent was put on her lol). Turned out she was captured and kept under some dungeon where Sara had gone later in the movie, but looking like an almost melted and grotesquely old human being (or if Mary’s mother from “Chocolate with Nuts” was a person). Speaking of which, there is one more later in the movie, but I won’t tell just yet - we will need to get into such scenes discussion first.

Interesting deaths here, despite of them being grotesque and horrifically detailed. It almost felt like Susie, whilst doing her first dance as the probable lead dancer, temporarily turned into Olga’s voodoo doll or a violent bloodbender (that old lady from Avatar that could bloodbend was incredibly uncanny, damn) and left Olga completely fucked up, and the foam mouth later on... is this the effect myxomatosis has on a human being if it was ever humanly? She was twitching and salivating afterall. :P But no, she’s not dead until she gets to plead her death later in the movie! :O Several others occur throughout, but none is more prominent than this key scene I described, well at least according to TV Tropes.

The search for the evil person in this movie without Wiki helping me much was definitely a nice game for me to play. I kept thinking that Blanc might be that one, then I thought she’s not the one until she looked at Carolina (I think that was the tall tomboy’s name??) suspiciously and then she later passed out on the floor violently, with rabies foam and everything.

Anyway, don’t tell me Tilda Swinton wouldn’t make out a pretty good Thom Yorke post-Pablo Honey. She’s 8 years older than him, ffs! Also played a man before (e.g.: this movie I’m talking about) so the make up won’t be an unjumpable-over hurdle.

The sighs were for sure unsettling, especially because they oddly sounded like orgasm here and there. IDK why. I know fucking is referenced twice in this movie (well only fucking once and sex another time). Speaking of random things, the nightmare shots were completely random themselves, following up with some imagery we never see in the movie again, and some of that we see only a little (like the worms and bloody organs).

3 long scenes that were note-worthy for me. One is the Olga mutilation/Susie's first dancing scene that I already noted, and it was driven by music (the others will be too. Soundtrack of this movie still rules). Then there's the Volk play itself - girls go from one place to another, take poses of each other, dance individually, let their minimalistic red rope dresses flick in the air, interspersed with Sara in the underneath area and her broken leg (so broken, the bone went out of her skin!), and then the matriarchy getting her back on stage, but healing her leg with her witch powers before that. I haven't really listened to the rest of the soundtrack but I gotta check the song out so that I won't end up labeling it as a Kid A reject. No but seriously - intense dancing needed some intense drumming and painful instrument sounds just to project out the massiveness of the whole play.

Then I keep remembering the scene where Madame Blanc commands Susie to jump higher and higher in the mirror hall, up until she jumps as highest as possible. Also my companion’s favourite scene was the stare exchange between these two ladies during the part where people were singing some drinking song in a bar to celebrate ‘Volk’’s success - you hear them singing and then some chilling background noise slowly mixing and creeping its way into the atmosphere, then I think it leads into a scene where some sparkling aura entity wakes Susie up (and she’s nude) in the middle of the night and gets her to go down to this... dungeon orgy full of random stuff going on, complete with an Asian man doing something beyond explanation (I could say lewd but not quite), even more strange ritual dancing and the very much frightening Madame Helga... who looked like Jabba the Hutt for some reason. And then of course everyone slitting, slashing and twisting each other, and by the end Susie throwing us all a plot twist which makes her THE evil one who can finally let her ‘friends’ go of all that suffering they have been through thanks to the damn witches (and yeah apparently her dance friends haven’t completely died? THAT’S how they do - they tell Susie to end their suffering and she does). Also she cracks her chest open to reveal a... very graphic part of a female body that will by no doubt get this whole text review reported without consent so I refrain from any illustrations. Oh and this scene mostly has the possibly favourite this movie’s soundtrack song of mine, if not one of them, play - titled Unmade. It was a mind-boggling decision to do so but the movie editors do them I suppose, but still. I felt sad for the song having to be the background of such absurd but fair enough events? (Oh and I didn’t mention that everyone who voted for the other woman than Madame Blanc to be the leader of the witches (iirc) were rid of in this movie. Damn.)

Oh and the ending is rather an interesting detail, not talking about post-credits because as always I have to be this one movie goer who wants to do it but can’t because they’re urged to go back out of the movie theater. We turn into modern day Germany with a love heart carved on a brick wall with the letters A and L (perhaps?? at the time of finishing this review my memory towards it kind of erased some parts of the movie for me), a nice little remembrance of Lutz’s (the old man’s) love for his dear Anke, with which they have reunited during the movie, but Lutz was dragged out by some people related to the dance academy for probably wandering elsewhere than needed and somehow Lutz ended up as one of the sex dungeon victims, stripped of clothing and lying down quite powerless. That and before the modern day shot we are subjected with Lutz in hospital with Susie coming to visit, they discuss something related to the plot, Susie touches the guy speaks some more, leaves and according to the Wiki, Lutz “suffers from a violent seizure” that was nothing more than just a hard seizure. And it even erases his memories!

Anyway, as a whole, I felt more underwhelmed of this movie’s experience despite really wanting to see it. Like, “uhm yeah gore blood people getting slashed everyone’s a witch and everyone’s watched over by the witch and if you expose the witches you die” kind of underwhelmed. I didn’t want this movie to blatantly go through my head, but it did, that’s why I wanted to make notes everytime something notable happens. There was one startling moment, and it just was an innocent scene transition. And something within Olga’s mutilation scene made me chuckle (and made some other people leave the cinema hall ASAP). It’s more of a disgusting watch than scary. Also feels too dragged out in parts.

I’d only recommend it if you are gore-tolerant (there are people that can’t stand looking at blood so this might as well not be for you, especially if you’re younger than 16), like intense choreos that can impact other people literally, and... the soundtrack. Yes of course. If you dare to get through the movie with feeling its soundtrack, sometimes you might as well feel it right, but some of the soundtrack song usages might as well make you go “hmm” as much as me.

I'll remind myself to never watch a movie in theaters for soundtrack again (unless they're not THAT late). And the other 'trilogy of the three witches' movie remakes, especially if they come out at the time I haven't moved houses by now, because for sure as hell will my parents not like me going to cinema late once more. The movie is lowkey 7 out of 10 for me, can sometimes it's on the verge of falling down to 6 becaude of no completely proper comprehension of some directing choices... so 6.7/10 is good - as it still has 6 in it, but totally leans on to the 7.

Will probably watch it again. I need to remember some more of this movie sometime later. And looking for online uploads of this movie is unrecommendable - I'll wait until Lionsgate distributes it to America for wider audiences so that anything could surface 2 months (or even a few days) later from now. Though if I didn't need all that, I'd definitely not watch it again for a long time... unfortunately I want to.

Post movie feelings: my companion liked the movie, initially said to never watch it again but now wants to watch it again because it was so "wtf" she felt like re-experiencing it at some point. She liked the music (another bonus point for Yorke). She wished she could film the reactions of other people who watched this, as they mostly were confused, all being like "wtf did I just watch???". I'm already feeling bad for the 3rd companion who didn't join us but would also like to watch this - he’ll likely be one of those confused movie-goers.

[3d10fire-damage]

red sun summary 6/12/2020

making their way through a ruined part of the King’s city of Misitu, the party arrived at a temple of some sort. as they walked in, phosphorra felt a sensation of... coming home. like she had found a safe place that she should be in. phosphorra asked that calypso walk with her up to the plinth. calypso did so, turning and shrugging to the others behind them. upon approaching the plinth, some skeletons with swords took notice and attacked the party. some creatures (nothics) also appeared, attempting to paralyze calypso, cluk, and phosphorra with their terrifying gazes, but failing each time. with multiple AOE spells and calypso’s fists (and Davke’s axe) the party took down their attackers without much trouble. cluk was even kinda flirting with the nothics. cluk is a chad.

calypso climbed onto the plinth, which was bare. she failed to notice anything of note up there because cluk tossed her a lyre and asked her to play a song because, “you’re onstage!” calypso didn’t put on a very good performance, citing that she doesn’t know how to play the lyre (though, her attempt at a drum performance also didn’t go well). meanwhile, phosphorra read some sort of inscription on the plinth, whispering something about a “Rasantat.” zoroe checked for injuries on cluk, who was fine despite her claim that she was dying. phosphorra, still feeling that strange pull, walked up to the altar at the back of the room.

the moment phosphorra touched the altar, shadows emerged from it and wrapped themselves around her. it felt like a hug, comforting and warm. zoroe was rather concerned, but got the sense that this was closer to a blessing than anything malevolent, and stood back. phosphorra was silent for a few minutes, apparently speaking with some sort of entity. in the meantime zoroe mom’d calypso, checking for injuries, which calypso begrudgingly allowed. she sarcastically mom’d her back, poking at zoroe’s cloak. when phosphorra returned to the real world, she sunk to the floor and seemed a little out of it, but said that... whatever that was was a good thing. she was saying things like “i had thought that my magic was just a prank, and that the gods were laughing at me, but now i know they believe in me, and that i can do good things.”

she spoke of the goddess Rasantat, who was apparently in this temple at one point (or her idol was). but then her followers at the temple took the idol elsewhere because the conditions in the area were bad (lack of food, harsh temperatures, etc). phosphorra insisted that she and the party would need to bring Rasantat back to the temple. Rasantat is somehow family to her (tiefling conception and all that). apparently the goddess was taken somewhere with “rumbling earth,” so phosphorra asked if zoroe knew anything about that. zoroe suggested earthquakes or maybe a landslide. calypso, investigating a storage area across the room, called out that worms shake the earth when they tunnel through it. worms, that live in the southern desert, where she’s from. this realization that they’d need to go to calypso’s home seemed to make her a bit uncomfortable, but she did ultimately agree to go with phosphorra to find the goddess there.

phosphorra also said that Rasantat had told her where the aarakocra that had fought the tiefling twins in the arena had been sent, and so the party should go there and save them. calypso was like “fuck yeah, jail break” and cluk and davke were also down with this idea. zoroe, however, was not; she was concerned that it would be too risky. if there was a lot of security with the aarakocra, the party could get taken into their custody and that would throw a huge wrench into their whole mission with the King’s lieutenants and such. she pointed out that they could miss out on the Melu riot Kissare was planning, that calypso was so excited for. but calypso said that there was a basic way to skip that issue entirely: don’t get caught. zoroe was still against the idea, but admitted she was outnumbered, so she would go with the rest of the party. everyone seemed a little down about the whole discussion though.

phosphorra shared Rasantat’s directions with calypso and Davke and the party set out for where the aarakocra were being kept (she also used Sending to talk to Hex about Rasantat). along the way, zoroe noticed some of the death cultists, the same sort they encountered in the mines. they knew the cultists were associated with A, one of their targets. switching gears, the party started following the cultists, but calypso wasn’t stealthy enough to avoid notice. the cultists got away, leaving the party with only a vague sense of the direction they had gone. it was determined it would be suspicious to keep trying to follow the cultists, so the party went back to find the aarakocra. around a corner was a large pile of rubble, which was being moved by some of the aarakocra. there were several King’s troops watching over them, including one heavily armored woman whom we deemed “Britney, Bitch” because i’m dumb.

presented with a large group of enemies, zoroe reluctantly mentioned that she could cast Fire Ball and do a lot of damage to a lot of the enemies. calypso enthusiastically agreed that she should, and the others also thought it was a good plan. zoroe still needed some pushing to go through with it, but the spell exploded and combat was on. the guards readied their weapons, but zoroe managed to throw another Fire Ball, which took care of most of the opposition. only calypso took a little bit of damage in this combat; it barely lasted long enough for one play of Bitch, Bitch. the aarakocra were obviously rather surprised by this turn of events, but started to leave after they looted their captor’s bodies. one of them stopped the party to tell them that when they were captured in Melu, they were taken through a fort and saw a lady that looked like a general, and this was likely L.

zoroe suggested that the party find an inn to settle down and rest for the evening. she specifically wanted to find a nicer, trustworthy one, and found an rather comfy inn south of the arena. the wedding reception from earlier in the day had apparently come to this inn for the evening, so people were dancing and drinking into the night. davke, cluk, and zoroe joined the dancing bachelorettes while calypso started getting hammered. before she was too drunk though, she joined phosphorra at her quiet corner table and asked if phosphorra was alright, after everything that happened today. it was a nice little talk. calypso insisted that zoroe wasn’t actually mad at phosphorra, rather that she was worried for the group. calypso also said that she would’ve been willing to jump into the arena with phosphorra. phosphorra was worried that she had gotten ahead of herself in the temple and shouldn’t have pushed zoroe, but calypso didn’t think she had done anything wrong. phosphorra asked if calypso really believed her, about Rasantat, and calypso assured her that she did. “you wouldn’t lie to us, also you don’t seem like you’d even be good at lying. meanwhile i have lied about lots of things, but you still believe me. so yeah, i believe you.” phosphorra thanked calypso and said she was glad calypso was her friend. calypso, perhaps a bit quieter than usual, said that was glad too... then got a little uncomfortable and left the table to get more drunk.

zoroe, having failed at dancing well and getting lost in the crowd, went up to her room. cluk and davke kept on dancing, with each other and the partygoers. some polite kisses (pecks on the cheek, lololol) were exchanged. calypso, by now fully sauced, went to zoroe’s room and knocked on the door. she asked zoroe why she wasn’t down partying; she would be GREAT at parties, obviously, she could throw FIRE. and phosphorra was down there and there was no way she was good at parties. zoroe politely declined the offer to go back down, and suggested calypso should return to the fun. but calypso, in a burst of sad drunken honesty, admitted that she really didn’t want to go back to the desert, even though she kinda had to, since phosphorra wanted to go. zoroe reassured her that it would be alright; she wouldn’t let the monks calypso grew up with treat her badly if they returned to the monastery. this didn’t seem to bring calypso much comfort, but she didn’t do much more than insist that going back there would be bad before flopping onto zoroe’s bed. zoroe, ever the mom, rearranged the tiefling into a more comfortable position.

once a very sauced calypso had fallen asleep, zoroe headed for what had been calypso’s room, finding phosphorra in the hallway looking for her. the two had a conversation about their arguments from the day, and seemed to make amends, though the two haven’t seemed to fully connect yet. but zoroe said that phosphorra was a dear friend to her before they parted ways for the night. phosphorra laid awake wondering if she should pray.

more good rp! next time we’ll be going after the cultists again. also, fuck yeah ruins squirrels.

[giraffles]

We Kiss The Dusk Goodnight - Chapter 2

this is an A/B/O au fic

AW YIS, here it is, more omegaverse au. sadly no porn yet. just awkward feelings and things being kinda Gay(tm). 

We Kiss The Dusk Goodnight (Bulge/Bruce/Manabu)

Bruce was going to kill him.

you can also read chapter two on AO3!

(chapter one)

Bruce was going to kill him. It just wasn't fair. From day one, Manabu had been taking his world and turning it upside down. No, that wasn't the right metaphor; more like he took his being, his reason, his defenses, and threw them out of the nearest airlock. Working with Manabu on a daily basis was hard enough, and now there was this. It didn't matter that it wasn't really his fault. Bruce could still be mad at him. "You're more trouble than you're worth." He grumbled to the lump under the covers. Manabu's head peeked out, and he shuffled the bedding around before burrowing back into it. Bruce understood on a logical level the nesting instinct, but it was still weird as hell to watch. " 'M sorry," was all Manabu offered, "I'm always messing up." Which was only half true, because Manabu must have had lady luck herself on his side for the amount of reckless things he managed to survive. He didn't 'mess up' so much as take the unorthodox route whenever possible, disobeyed half the orders given to him, and would probably cause Bruce to have a heart attack before he was thirty. Yet he always came out in once piece and with the day saved. It was infuriating. And god, if he wouldn't take a bullet for the kid. It went beyond the duties of a teammate or the selfish desire to die first, but he would never, ever say that. Manabu had already wormed his way in, prying through his walls and vitriol without even trying. Without even knowing. He had absentmindedly snuck up on Bruce, who hadn't noticed until it was too late to bail. The more he dug his heels in against it, the deeper he fell, and now he was trapped in a room with Manabu. An omega. Alone. He had half a mind to go drown himself in the bathroom sink. But that would be abandoning his post, and dealing with Schwanhelt's disappointment would also be too much to bear. So stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place, Bruce dragged a chair over instead. Manabu whined softly. "What do you want?" He snapped before really thinking about what would come out of his mouth, and Manabu pawed at his arm. "Bruce," he whined again, "Make it stop." "You're delirious." Because if Manabu had been in the right state of mind, he would never pick Bruce. Only someone truly desperate would look at him and think alpha material. It took all his self control not to punch Manabu. "I am not," he protested, latching on to Bruce, "I like you." "Let go," Manabu was heat-drunk, there was no other explanation for it, and temptation was so hard to ignore when it literally pulled at him, "Fucking hell, Manabu. Get off of me." The harsh words caused him to relent, releasing Bruce's arm as he returned to his blanket nest to sulk and look hurt. Now that really wasn't fair; those reproachful eyes shouldn't make Bruce feel so guilty. It's for the best for both of them. He doesn't get too close, and Manabu doesn't get hurt in more ways than one. Everyone wins. So why did he feel like he was losing everything? "I knew it," came the mournful voice, "You hate me." "I never said that," Even though Bruce had done their relationship few favors over the months they've been shipmates, "Stop being an idiot." Sirius Platoon isn't just a team of officers, a collection of people haphazardly thrown together in the line of duty. They're a family, or at least as close to one as Bruce has ever come, and they're stuck together whether they like it or not. So he has to be abrasive, aggressive, a steel wall against everything and everyone, because if he falls apart then they'll have no defense. No recourse against the harsh realities of space. Worst yet, they could die, leaving Bruce once again on the sidelines. So he'll take care of them. Just in his own way. "I can go find you someone if you're that desperate," he growled, "But leave me out of it." "But I don't want someone else," Manabu complained, "I want you." It was only his years of training and discipline from countless battles that kept him from walking out the door. This was crazy. This was absolutely ridiculous. "Manabu," he tried to put that domineering alpha tone in his voice, but it only half worked, "Shut up." And finally, Manabu was quiet, though he continued to look at Bruce forlornly. He would not feel sorry for him. He would not. Except he did, and, god, did Bruce want to say fuck it and face the consequences later, throw all caution to the wind without worrying about what it meant. Manabu smelled like sex and something vaguely sweet and everything he'd ever wanted and goddamn it-- "What are we supposed to do with you?" He groaned into his hands, "Don't even think about answering that." "I wouldn't mind," Manabu said dreamily, "I wouldn't mind if it was you and the captain." "You really have no idea what you're saying, do you?" Manabu pouted at him. "I do too." Bruce had some scathing reply at the ready, but then the door slid open. Yuki floated in, long and graceful, yet possessing an air of moving almost too perfectly. Of course he'd gotten used to it by now, but there was always that subtle reminder that her body was more metal than anything else, that technically she was only highly sophisticated programming fitted with a pretty face. She's a person of course, more human than many of  flesh and blood he's met in his life, but she's still her own thing. An entity outside mortal bounds. In that moment he's jealous of the way Yuki was the only unaffected one in the room. "I said I'm fine!" "Manabu," Schwanhelt broke in, voice low in warning, "Let her look at you." Bruce had no idea just how he did that, lacing words with unyielding force, commanding the utmost respect so effortlessly. Even Bruce had to pause to take notice when he spoke like that. It was probably why Schwanhelt was captain of one of the most respected platoons in the fleet, and had been promoted relatively young. (That, and the fact that the previous captain had met a sudden and tragic end. But that was years before Bruce came to the SDF, and Schwanhelt doesn't like to talk about it, so he doesn't ask.) Manabu simmered down almost instantly. "There's not much I can do," Yuki said as she rummaged around in her medical case, "But I do have an emergency suppressant." "What will that do?" "Delay it, just for a day or two. Though I can't guarantee it will work. Manabu, can I see your arm?" It made sense, since failing meds is what had started this whole mess in the first place. Manabu's biology was actively working against all of them, but if they were lucky, it would knock him out long enough for his heat to pass. Bruce was less than hopeful; the odds were against them all, and his personal luck was never that good. There was a reason David won most of their bets. Bruce went to stand by his captain, who didn't bother to hide his troubled expression. If Manabu hadn't been their responsibility and first priority, he would have kicked everyone else out long before now. As it was, being close to both of them was suffocating, and he hated the curling fire that kept trying to drag him down, to act on impulses instead of cautious calculations. He hadn't gotten this far by taking stupid risks or jumping into situations unprepared; yet even in this, Manabu's devil-may-care attitude was wearing off on him, instilling thoughts of reckless abandon. Bruce had never considered himself a proper alpha, but it was getting harder to deny those smoldering feelings. "What are we going to do?" He whispered. Schwanhelt only shook his head. "There, I've done all I can," Yuki proclaimed as she closed her case with a snap, "Please keep an eye on him and tell me if he gets any worse." "That's it?" No, that couldn't be it. Manabu may have rolled himself back into the blankets and would soon be asleep, but who knew how long that would last before he was a pining mess again. "It's dangerous to give him more than one dose," She explained, "Though becoming heatsick is also dangerous. You should have someone lined up for a worst case scenario." The way she could talk about such things in straightforward way, with no hesitation, had Bruce choking on a sufficient response. "What, are we supposed to go get a hooker?" Schwanhelt smacked his shoulder and grumbled at him. Yuki was unfazed. "That would work. Or, I could come back, I still have my programming from when--" "That's quite alright, Yuki," Schwanhelt interjected quickly, "Though the thought is appreciated." "I don't want Yuki," came the sleepy mumble, "I want you guys." Schwanhelt gave him a questioning glance, but all he could do was throw his hands up. How was he to respond to that? Oh, by the way, their heat-drunk shipmate kept propositioning him for sex while the captain was off retrieving the medical officer? It wasn't exactly dinner conversation. And that was without acknowledging his own complicated thoughts on the matter. "You know where to find me." Yuki nodded before flitting from the quarters. Schwanhelt thanked her again, and he locked the door after it shut. Bruce knew that it was to keep people out, but also had a feeling it was as much to keep Manabu in. Schwanhelt didn't say anything more, simply striding to the bed and making sure Manabu was securely nestled in the blankets. Bruce could taste the awkward tension in the space about them, made partially from uncertainty and partially from desires unfulfilled. With sudden clarity he understood why omegas could and had sparked so many conflicts, so many petty grievances blown out of proportion. How was anyone supposed to be rational in a situation like this? Out of all the people on this goddamn base, why did it have to be him? "He likes you, you know." Schwanhelt commented offhandedly. As if Bruce couldn't have caught the fondness in his eyes, the way he smoothed the covers down. Trying to compartmentalize whatever it was he had with his captain was hard enough on a good day, and now he had to unpack the rest of this too. "I noticed," he mustered after a long silence, "But what about us?" It was accusatory, but his emotions were already too raw for it to be anything else. They had a good thing going, a thing that he, dare he say it, liked, and Bruce wasn't keen on just cutting it off. "You were the one who insisted on no lasting attachments." Alright, so that was true enough. It has been to protect both of them, so it wasn't as though he could suddenly decide to be selfish. "I'm just saying," Schwanhelt continued, "That you should take the opportunity to be happy." The man was so quiet, so sincere, that it nearly tore his heart in two. Damn both of them to hell. Since when did they get to decide what's best for him? As if they all operated in a void, separate from each other. He doesn't believe in things like fate and destiny, he's fought too long and hard to leave anything up to an outside power, but people affect each other. It's gravity, pushing and pulling and entrapping, something Bruce knows all too well. They can't just wind their way into every fiber of his being and then just leave him hollow. It's still his life, and he should get a say in how he suffers during it. "To hell with that," he finally replied, "I'm pretty sure he wants you, too." "He doesn't know what he's saying--" "And neither do you." "Bruce." "That's my name," he folded his arms and looked his captain dead in the eye, "Don't wear it out." "Bruce," Schwanhelt's tone turned towards exasperation, "This is serious." "And I'm taking it seriously." Schwanhelt ran a hand over his face. "It's not up to us, anyway." That much was true. The point would be moot anyway once Manabu woke up and fled, if he knew was was best for him. Because he could do so much better than either of them. Or, at least, he would be easier to reason with when he wasn't heat'drunk and desperate. Manabu wasn't know for this stellar choices even when he was in full control of himself. This would be no exception, even if it would have been easier just to let him stumble into disaster on his own. "Are we going to sit here and play guard, then?" "Well, yes. Although you don't have to stay if you don't want to--" "I'm not leaving you," Bruce muttered, "You shouldn't have to deal with his bullshit alone." Schwanhelt gives him a weary smile, and he's lost.

[viralhottopics]

What If I Never Love My Career As Much As I Loved Him?

I’ve stopped writing to “you.”

It’s a trend in the personal essayist world. Instead of writing people as characters, developing them in the traditional third sense, you write in second. You speak directly to a proverbial You tell a story, your feelings, the deepest darkest corners of your mind that coming worming their way out probably at 3 AM and after several glasses of wine.

With the exception of some experimental prose I tried, I’ve completely stopped that. I haven’t written to my “them”, to one of the ghosts I do my best to avoid, to since November.

And it’s for a bunch of different reasons.

For one, I’ve kind of said…well…enough. To a certain extent I got sick of sounding like a broken record of whine whine whine about something that’s so dead and buried, so I stopped. On another hand, my style sort of morphed and evolved and I’ve frankly become pretty disinterested in talking about my love life in general through writing.

And lastly, I got really fucking busy.

So busy, in fact, that I just didn’t have time to focus on the parts of my life that broke my heart anymore.

I have become the person who works through lunch, who always stays late (metaphorically), and who is constantly thinking about the grind…and then kicking myself for saying things like “the grind.” Work is my happy place, my greatest stressor, my best friend, my significant other, my purpose, and what I do to make myself make sense. It is equal parts distraction and slight obsession, I won’t lie.

But in the process of fully submerging myself in my “I love work”-ness, I lost the weird need to put out every single thought that I have directed towards a “you” in my life.

Because, truth be told, I haven’t really loved another person in over four years. I haven’t had a crush in probably two. I haven’t gone on a date in around sixmonths and haven’t been interested in adding that element back into my life in longer. I haven’t had overwhelming, can’t eat can’t sleep, heart-racing feelings spilling out of me in a long time and because of that…there hasn’t been a lot to say to people or about them because they haven’t been worth writing about since they’re not even remotely in my life.

Let’s be real, writing a love letter to perfectly organized spreadsheets is hilarious but not really all that relatable.

So for all intents and purposes, I’ve stopped writing to “you.”

And if I’m being even more honest, I’m probably the most alone I’ve ever been.

I live alone, I eat alone, I drink alone, I work alone, I walk my dog alone. A lot of my life is spent with just me. Don’t get me wrong; this isn’t in any way shape or form a complaint about that. I’m an only child, an extrovert who admittedly hates everyone. I’m to being on my own. In a lot of ways, I prefer it.

But if I’m being honest, there is a part of me that is afraid some of my most secret (well, secret) fears are coming true.

And that’s that I am covering myself up in a cloud of work to cover up the fact that I am not loved by someone who ignites those overwhelming, can’t eat can’t sleep, heart-racing feelings in me.

I’ve been in love. I admitted live on camera that 23-year-old me thought I would be married by now. I’ve had the “holy shit I don’t care where I am so long as you are there with me” kind of love. Don’t worry little baby 20-somethings who haven’t felt it yet it exists!

My point in mentioning that is to clarify that yes, I’ve felt those emotions. So the emptiness that’s been eating at me for the last 4 to 5 months isn’t related to longing. It isn’t related to a naivet in looking at too many #relationshipgoals posts and being all, “Omg I want that.” Because I’ve had it. I get it.

This is not based in that.

It’s completely based in fear.

Because sure, Lady Gaga or whatever self-actualized image of female empowerment can say, “Your career will never wake up in the middle of the night and tell you that it doesn’t love you,” and I can reblog “My career is my boyfriend” macros all damn day, but that doesn’t make loneliness easier to choke down after a particularly emotionally draining day.

I’m not supposed to admit that I want someone. That sometimes late at night when I can’t sleep the fact that there isn’t a person I can call makes me pause. I’m not supposed to admit that I feel like my career is becoming the most interesting thing about me and I’m terrified that that’s not going to be enough.

Because while I do love my career, and it keeps me going, and it can’t wake up in the middle of the night and tell me it’s decided to leave me, while I can continue loving it and devoting myself to it, it’s literally incapable of loving me back.

But I’m not supposed to say that. I’m supposed to be a badass working girl, my own version of the self-actualized empowered woman. The Peggy Olson, the Effie, the Sandra Bullock without the Ryan Reynolds because she really didn’t need him anyway.

I’m not supposed to admit that sometimes, on those nights when I can’t sleep and I don’t have anyone to talk to past 1 AM, I worry that I’m loving my career so forcefully to make up for the fact that I’m not loving

And that’s probably one of my biggest fears.

What if I keep doing this, keep working this hard, keep loving my career in a bigger than big kind of way, and it’s still never going to match the amount that I loved him when I was 23?

What if that love is unmatchable? And never comes around again? What if the him sized hole that was left behind isn’t fillable by things like time, therapy, and 1000+ word essays I get paid to write online?

What if it never goes away?

What if the only thing I have to devote myself to on those nights when I can’t sleep is work, and not another person, just simply the glow of a MacBook and more grinding and more of whatever is?

You’re never supposed to admit when you’re lonely. Never supposed to cop to wanting to hold someone’s hand home from the bar instead of going home with just yourself and whatever’s serenading you through your ear buds. You’re not supposed to need people and even worse is if you actually throw up your hands in defeat and admit to not only needing them, but them.

But, well, here we are.

I’ve stopped writing to “you.”

The idea of writing about another human being, about affection, about couldn’t possibly feel more foreign to me these days. Writing about late nights editing, being a workaholic, the never-ending to do list that I self-impose upon myself? Got it. Done. Can SO deliver.

But the thing I’m getting afraid of, is that this borderline obsession with work is in reality just me being so afraid that I have to have something in my life that I adore as much as I wholeheartedly adored him.

And even worse than that, I’m afraid that I never will.

But talking about that, writing about that, saying it so finally is just…

It feels…unnatural. It feels outside of myself. It feels like I’m losing and admitting defeat and exposing parts of myself that I’m not supposed to show for public scrutiny. I hate to lose, and I hate even more to feel weak and pathetic and like I’m just running around aimlessly with my palms extended begging for affection and like….

It feels uncharacteristic.

It feels embarrassing.

It feels vulnerable in a way that I didn’t know was possible.

But here we are!!!!!!!!

Maybe we don’t get to have everything. Maybe we can’t have the dream job, the coastal city, the perfect relationship, the heart swelling and bursting with love, the sense of fulfillment, the satisfaction that we’re doing good things, the amazing social life, the list of accomplishments we’re endlessly proud of, the aesthetically stunning apartment with tons of natural light, the ability to sleep soundly each and every night.

Maybe instead, we have to settle somewhere in the middle. Maybe 100% is never achievable, and you have to pick and choose which pieces you get to end up somewhere around 75%. Maybe that’s just one of the heartbreaks life deals you, and part of growing up is learning to accept it.

But truthfully (if I haven’t been truthful enough) I’m not ready to accept that. I’m not ready to throw in the towel and accept that I can’t pick up a metaphorical spackle, and through trial and error and sheer willpower figure out the way to putmyself back together piece by piece. I’m not ready to toss up my hands in defeat and say this inhuman entity that is WORK will never make me feel as whole and as happy and being with him made me feel.

I’m not ready to stop.

Even if it keeps me up at night.

Even if I’m alone.

Even if I’m wrong.

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from What If I Never Love My Career As Much As I Loved Him?